Saturday, January 25, 2014

Last night I went out with my friend and we were sitting in my driveway talking when we saw the lights on the garage go on and off. Not blinking, but on and off more than once like someone was in the house hitting the switch. She assumed my husband was home doing that, but I said he was working late. Then the lights turned off and then they dimmed and went back up. We looked at each other and said lights don’t do that when they burn out. So my friend called her husband on her phone and he said the same thing. So she offers to go inside with me to check it out and I’m thinking, my house is soooo messy right now. In fact, I’d rather risk the killer inside taking me hostage than be embarrassed in front of Holly.

 So I say, “I’ll go up to the door and see if the light I left on inside is on or not. I walk up the path and saw the porch light do the weird flipping on and off like someone inside was doing it. I also saw a shadow, which may or may not have been my own and there may or may not have been the wetting of pants. I cannot confirm or deny the wetting of the pants. So I went flying back to the car and my friend said her husband thought we should call the police because one light could burn out, but not 3 and not come back on in the strange fashion they were going on and off. Now he’s not a hysterical type and neither is she. They thought there was someone in the garage or house. But I’m thinking, no cops, I can’t have police come over because they will think I’m a crappy housekeeper. So I call my husband who I’m secretly hoping will say, “Oh that’s fine, nothing to worry about. Return to the perfectly safe house and save your dignity.” Instead, he says, “That sounds really weird. I’m coming home. Do not go inside.”

 So she and I went to the store down the street. We were already on edge when a fire truck comes screeching by followed by 3 cops cars with sirens, an ambulance and then another cop car. My husband gets to the house in record time (out of concern for me or fear the killer/robbers were taking his beloved possessions—you be the judge). As he goes up to the door, it happens again. So he comes right back out saying it’s fine. Holly and I look at each other and say in unison, “You couldn’t have check it that fast.” I’m assuming he saw the TV (my precious) was still there so he figured, “all clear.”

I went into the house and asked him to check all the closets and rooms. He says, “Bedroom’s clear.” Ok, this is him checking it: he put his head in the room and glanced around. Meanwhile, there's a long hall from the bedroom that has the bathtub and shower, and then the walk-in closet and then you get to the bathroom— none of which you can see from the door. Sigh. I mean, killers hide in closets and showers. This is a known fact. And don’t get me started on how there could be an escaped convict just waiting and lurking in the bathroom. I went to the kitchen and saw my microwave clock was off and that the cable box and it was off, too. So it appears the power went on and off at the exact moment we pulled in. It has been suggested the cold and slight wind knocked the power out for a minute just coincidentally as we were sitting outside. It has also been suggested that the fact this happened on the anniversary of a deceased relative’s birthday and another’s passing isn’t random. And let’s not rule out the escaped lunatic with the ax fetish.

 So if you don’t see me on Facebook or Twitter in some form tomorrow then just assume the killer hid out until bedtime and murdered me in my sleep. Oh, and if I am online please ask for the password “unicorn,” and if I cannot provide it to you, assume the murderer has taken my identity. Nothing like a good adrenaline surge to start off the weekend.

Monday, January 6, 2014

50 Odd Things About Me

1) Favorite hobby? Collecting Faberge eggs, reading, hunting for that perfect Ming Vase from the 15th century. 2) Have you ever sky dived? No, never, not gonna happen. 3) Do you own guns? I’m pretty lethal with a can of hairspray 4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I've never been to a Sonic 5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? I get nervous before renting movies, so yeah 6) What do you think of hot dogs? Why? Have they been talking smack about me? 7) Favorite Christmas song? Luther Vandross, "Every Year, Every Christmas" 8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water. It used to be Coca Cola, but now just water. Practically needed rehab to get off the Coca Cola. 9) Can you do push ups? Why would I want to go & do something like that? 10) Can you do a chin up? Again..why? 11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My tiara 12) Do you like blue cheese? Why is it depressed? 13) Ever been to a N'SYNC concert? Yes! 14) Do you have ADD? No 15) What's one trait that you hate about yourself? That I'm too perfect 16) Middle name? Perfection 17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.. 1. Why has this winter been so crazy? End of times? 2. Never take heat for granted 3. I wanna leave the house and not freeze to death 18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday 1. Bottled water (for Snow-mageddon) 2. Was worried about the T.p. supply for Snow-mageddon as well 3. Another Fabrege egg for the collection 20) Current worry? There's not enough time in the day to list them. 21) Current hate right now? The snow... 23) How did you bring in the New Year? Editing the word, “that,” out of a project and texting 24) Plain or sugar cone? I can’t handle big decisions right now 25) Who are your favorite sports stars? Ronaldo, Tim Duncan, and back in the day, Bill Laimbeer 26) Do you own slippers? Not for years 27) What shirt are you wearing? Calvin Klein sweater, but not the sweater of death one 28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No, I prefer to sleep on cash 29) Can you whistle? No 30) Paper or plastic? Again, no big decision, thanks 31) Would you be a pirate? Are you implying I'm not? 32) What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t sing in the shower. I lip sync 33) Favorite girl's name? Right now, Landry 34) Favorite boy's name? Charlemagne, of course 35) What's in your pocket? Back up tiara 36) Last thing that made you laugh? Conan O’Brien at the American Girl Doll store 37) Best bed sheets as a child? Strawberry Shortcake 38) Worst injury you've ever had? Groin pull while playing in the Superbowl & I have an old injury from 'Nam 39) Do you love where you live? If the power stays on, then yes. If not, well…. 40) How many TVs do you have in your house? Are you planning to come rob me? 41) Who is your loudest friend? Imaginary or real world friend? 42) How many dogs do you have? Does a stuffed one from Toys ‘r Us count? 43) Does someone have a crush on you? I’m hoping Ronaldo…. 45) What is your favorite book? Good-bye Glamour Girl about a girl during WWII 46) What is your favorite candy? I like coconut ice cream dipped in chocolate 47) Favorite Sports Team? Lions, Spurs, Tigers, Pistons 48) What song do you want played at your funeral? "Fields of Gold" and my sister is to ice skate a'la Michelle Kwan around my casket. 49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? Thinking, "Please don’t let the power go out,” & watching The Best of the Oprah Show 50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? It's cold in here & I don't want to get up